There was a beautiful girl of the founding family of Walmart, the Waltons. Her families pride and joy was her and the company and she wouldn't want it any other way. She was elegant and kind with no evil in her heart. She was the perfect girl of marriage age.
On the other side of town, there was a strong, handsome man. He had hair that reflected the sun. His soul was pure and he could do no wrong. He would have been the perfect match for her, but he was from the founding family of Target, the Daytons.
These families hated each other with a passion. The each believed the other had stole their idea of starting a small town business and expanding across the nation. Every where a Walmart went a Target popped up not long after. No one in the town had ever seen a rivalry quite like this.
One year at the Better Business Banquet, they were seated at the same table. No one talked other than to make snide remarks. But, two young people couldn't help but steal glances and smiles across the table. He had never seen such beauty and she had never seen such stunning features. It was love at first sight.
"There is no way this would be allowed!" they thought, "Father would surely forbid it".
So they must sneak. Later that night, she heard her phone go off. She couldn't believe that he had reached out to her. How dangerous! But, she couldn't help but smile.
From that day, they started talking non-stop. There were snap chats, text messages, and Instagram post sharing all happening at once from sun up to sun down. Neither had ever felt such happiness.
Until, one night her father grounded her and took her phone. Mr. Walton could not believe his eyes! His daughter with the son of his enemy. There is no way he would allow it. The disgust he felt would surely be reciprocated as soon as he told his wife. But, she did not understand. She saw the way her daughter lit up whenever she got a notification. She would not be the one to stand in the way of love and she informed her husband that he would not either. This feud had gone on long enough.
Out of the kindness of Mrs. Walton's heart, she invited them all over for dinner. With maximum grumbling from Mr. Walton, the dinner happened. The Dayton's were shocked to discover of the blooming love of their son. Both parents felt ashamed because their kids couldn't even tell them the truth. They felt they needed to hide their love for fear of punishment. From that day forward, the vowed to be better, for the sake of their children and their town.
This picture represents a faint love. It is there but it blends in to the background. Source: Flickr
Author's Note:
My original story is from Pyramus and Thisbe. They were the most sought after partners in each of their towns. They were beautiful beyond compare and everyone wanted them. But, their hearts belonged to each other. Their parents forbid their marriage. They both burned to be with each other. There was a wall separating their towns. This made communication that much harder. However, the found a hole in the wall. Through this they made an escape plan. They were to meet after the sun had set and they tricked their guards. Thisbe got there first, but not without trials. There was a lion that was guarding the tree. She had to run and dropped her veil and after her escape the lion played with it. Pyramus escaped after. On his journey to the cave, he saw the veil and thought she had been eaten. He cried for her. In between tears, he said a prayer as he plunged his sword into his chest. Thisbe left shelter to go to the tree that they had agreed to meet. Upon arriving, she saw Pyramus dead at the base of the tree. She would rather be dead than live without him. So, she took his sword from him and plunged it into herself.
Ovid's Metamorphoses, Book 4
Hi, Brynlee. I really liked your story. The modern retelling of older tales is always fun. I expected to get to your author's notes and find a description of Romeo and Juliet. I guess it just goes to show how timeless and common the tale of star crossed lovers is. I thought your writing was concise and well done. My only suggestion for a possible rewrite would be to make the circumstances of the reveal to Mr. Walton a bit clearer. Was she grounded because of the relationship? Did he see a notification pop up after he has confiscated her phone? I assume it is the latter, but I think a bit more clarification would be helpful to the reader.
ReplyDeleteHi Brynlee! I love your story! I love the modern adaptation with the Walmart and Target family feuds. I thought that was very clever. One area that could be interesting is some more love development between the guy and girl. It seemed that they just liked the way the other looked, so it seemed like a pretty superficial love to break the feud.
ReplyDeleteHi Brynlee!
ReplyDeleteIt was so interesting to have a modern take on the tale of Pyramus and Thisbe. It honestly reminded me a little bit of the story of Romeo and Juliet.
I wonder why the parents decided so easily to just accept their children's love for each other though? It seemed way too easy that the couple was just able to come together without their parents putting up any fight at all.
What if you were to include an interaction between the two lovers? Like, you could include a text relationship as part of the story or describe one of the times that they meet up. It would help your readers to connect more concretely to the love that your characters have for one another. Plus, I would really like to see an interaction between the couple just so that I know that their love is real.
I really enjoyed the story Brynlee! Have a good day!